Dean's Lesson
by HBD
Summary: Sequel to Dean's Curse. Please read it first. Dean struggles with the consquences of his actions. Set after 6.22


Dean Winchester picked up his brother's gun, put it to his temple, and pulled the trigger.

That was the first time he attempted suicide. It failed, of course. Dean woke to see his own brain matter splattered across the walls of the cheap motel room where he had sought refuge.

The second time Dean Winchester attempted suicide, he took the knife that had ended the lives of so many demons and slit his wrists. He looked at the blood on Ruby's knife and wondered if he would finally find peace. He woke to blood soaked sheets and his own painful memories.

The third suicide attempt involved a mysterious bottle of pills, copious amounts of Hunter's Helper and the only home he ever knew. He woke to find himself covered in his own vomit in the front seat of the Impala.

Dean hanged himself in the cemetery outside of Lawrence, drowned in the lakes of Minnesota and jumped off the cliffs of the Grand Canyon. For 100 days Dean tried to end his life and his suffering.

It wasn't until Dean walked unarmed into a vampire nest outside of Tulsa that Godstiel intervened. He stepped in and with a flash of light destroyed the vampires that had been enjoying the Dean Winchester Buffet for three days.

"You really are a stubborn man, Dean," said Godstiel with his deep gravelly voice. "Your punishment was to live with your mistakes. Did you think I would allow you an escape from your sins?"

With a flash of light Dean found himself sitting in the Impala on a dusty road in the middle of nowhere. The engine started with its familiar growl and he drove away alone.

Dean wandered the country, hunting things and saving people because he knew nothing else. When he closed his eyes each night in a series of shabby motel rooms, he remembered.

He remembered the sound of Bobby's screams; he remembered the sight of Sam's battered and broken body. He remembered looking into the blue eyes of the man he considered a brother and seeing a stranger looking back at him.

These were the memories that drove him to suicide attempts. These were the memories that made Dean considered finding a crossroads and making another deal.

Finding the nearest crossroads, Dean summoned a demon. Instead of the familiar red-eyed demon, he saw brilliant blue eyes gazing back at him.

Godstiel looked into the weary green eyes of the hunter standing in front of him. Dean's once pretty face was now gaunt, his freckles standing out in stark relief against his pallid skin.

"No demon will deal with you, Dean" Godstiel said with what almost sounded like compassion. "They know the consequences of dealing with you. Dean, stop this futile quest for death.

"Because of your own actions you will never die and will be alone forever."

With those words, Godstiel disappeared leaving Dean standing in the crossroads.

Eventually, Dean made his way to Singer's Salvage. He needed to feel close to his family and this was as close as he would ever get. So many memories had been made at the old salvage yard.

Not all the memories were good and not all of them were bad. They were just memories of family, of friends, of defeats, and of victories.

Dean remembered fighting zombies with Bobby and Sam. He remembered drinking with Jo and Ellen before the disastrous attempt to kill Lucifer. He remembered that this was the place he meet his brother Adam for the first time.

Dean spent months lost in his memories. And finally, he remembered Castiel.

He remembered how awed he had felt when he realized that Castiel had fought through Hell to save him.

He remembered how Castiel looked like a holy tax accountant but could fight like a berserker.

He remembered how he had taken Castiel to the whorehouse because he didn't want the angel to die a virgin.

He remembered Castiel fighting to get to his side to help destroy Pestilence, even though he was without his powers.

He remembered the Castiel who willingly followed him to his death in the alternate future shown to him by Zachariah.

He remembered finding out that Castiel had let Sam out of the panic room. He also remembered forgiving him for that mistake.

He remembered the Castiel who was willing to die to give him the chance to save Adam.

He remembered the Castiel who died for him twice.

In time, Dean was able to recall the mistakes he had made with Castiel.

He treated him like a child when in fact Castiel had been a warrior since the beginning of time.

He treated Castiel like a little brother whose only purpose was to be teased and tormented.

He only called Castiel when Dean needed help or needed saving. He never called just to talk or just to ask him to go have a beer.

Even after Castiel admitted that he would rather be with Dean than in Heaven, Dean ignored him.

Dean admitted to himself that he was a sorry excuse for a friend. Castiel had deserved better, especially from the man who once called him brother.

Finally, after months of reflection Dean was able to appreciate the fact that his actions were to blame for Castiel's death.

He realized that he ignored Castiel's attempt to explain his actions because of his wounded pride.

He recognized that his pride was hurt because Castiel turned to Crowley instead of him.

He realized that the anger he felt was because he felt like he had failed again. He failed to stop his angelic brother from making the same mistakes that he had made by working with a demon.

He had never realized that he wanted to be Castiel's hero just as Castiel was Dean's hero.

The weight of his realizations was overwhelming to the hunter. He broke down and cried for the first time since Godstiel inflicted his punishment.

"It's about time, Deano," said the short, hazel eyed angel. "I was about to give up hope that you would learn your lesson."

Dean looked at Gabriel with confusion. "But you are dead, Lucifer killed you."

"Dean, I am a Supernatural creature. I have died and come back more times than I can remember."

"Now that you can admit your part in the Godstiel disaster you have a chance to change things. You can change the events as long as you remember the lesson you learned."

"Now get off your ass and go save your brother Castiel." With a snap of his fingers, the Trickster disappeared.


End file.
